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Cries of My Soul

Comic Illustrations / Ilustrasi komik: Johnny Ong
I only met him when he attended my digital storytelling workshop. He was constantly joking and laughing, and seemed to be more interested in showing his fellow workshop participants the tourist attractions and local sites around his hometown.

He was THE naughty boy in class. The one you are so tempted to put in the corner, but would stop and think twice because of his infectious laughter.

I got to know him just a tiny bit better after the workshop. I decided to interview him. He has a strong positive attitude in life. 
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3rd DAY OF WORKSHOP: All of you have to return at 3 o'clock, ok... — Ya, OK!
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Where are you? Why are you not back yet?... There is a lot more to cover in the workshop.
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INTERVIEW AFTER THE WORKSHOP: I am actually a very positive person, my thoughts, my attitude, always positive.
I learnt how he could rely on no one else but himself.  He describes himself as a self-made man, a journey he literally had no one to share with. Not one of the rich, multi-millionaires, but someone who feels responsible for his staff and perseveres to build his business. For his digital story, “Cries of My Soul”, he told me that he had to have that quiet time so that he could dig deep into himself, to go back to a painful place he had long left behind. He did it so that people like you and I could better understand people like him.
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I didn't share this story with anyone before the workshop. Who am I to share my stories with? I have long relied on myself. I have had no one.
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I didn't tell that story because I would cry. Then I would not finish my digital story!
I love his story. I love how he tells his story, how his story shows that trans people (transgenders) or those who are lesbian, gay, bisexual and queer are not morally bankrupt, that some of them have a spiritual strength that would put those who judge them to shame. At the time of the interview, I also learnt of a much more personal story that he chose not to tell, a story in which he is so emotionally bound, but such a powerful story of love and acceptance. It made me tear. 

I so very much hope that one day he will be ready to share that story. It is a beautiful story. 

Laungan Jiwa Saya

Tiada siapa yang memahami
Mereka hanya mahu memaksa ku menjadi yang lain
Tolong jangan paksa ku lagi
Tolong jangan sakitkan ku lagi
Tahukah kamu betapa sakitnya ini?
Tolong jangan tukar aku
Aku tak mampu menjadi yang kamu mahu
Aku tak mampu
Puas aku mencuba
Puas aku paksa diriku, tapi aku tak berjaya
Sungguh aku tak berjaya
Sering aku bertanya
Setiap hari
Siapakah aku?
Apakah aku?
Kenapa perasaan aku begini?
Memang sejak dahulu aku begini
Tidak pernah berubah
Badanku, batinku
Mereka macam tak serasi
Aku bersusah payah setiap hari
Mengharapkan suatu jawapan dapat ku cari
Aku berdoa setiap hari
Hatiku berdarah setiap hari
Apabila kau paksa aku berpakaian sebegini
Apabila kau paksa aku berkelakuan sebegini
Tahukah kamu betapa pedihnya bunyi namaku dari mulutmu?
Setiap hari badanku dan batinku ini aku aniayai dengan perlakonan kepada dunia
Kehidupan palsu
Menyembunyikan diri
Ya Tuhan
Tolonglah aku mencari jalanku
Tolonglah aku keluar dari penjara ini
Kasih sayangku adalah seluruh hati
Tapi salahkah aku jika ingin menjadi diriku yang sebenar?
Salahkah aku jika inginkan sesuatu dengan sepenuhnya, dengan sedalamnya sehingga menjadi sengsara?
Kenapa ia salah?
Kenapa ia salah pada mereka yang menyanjungiMu?
Apa yang aku mahu hanyalah untuk menjadi diriku sendiri
Diriku yang semulajadi
Inilah diriku yang sebenar
Susah sungguhkah ia
Seperti mustahil sahaja
Betulkah itu?
Tidak,
Aku tidak mampu lagi
Aku tidak boleh menipu diri sendiri
Aku tidak boleh menyeksa jiwaku lagi, kalau tidak akan tiba ajalku
Aku tidak akan lagi berbuat begini
Tinggalkan aku seorang diri
Kalau betul kamu sayangkan aku, biarlah aku dapat kegembiraan.

    Maklumbalas cerita digital dipelawa / 
    Feedback to digital story most welcomed

    Sila pilih semua jawapan yang berkenaan
    Sila pilih semua jawapan yang berkenaan
    Siapakah agaknya sipencerita ini bagi anda Who do you think the storyteller is?
    Pilih satu jawapan / Choose one response
    Pilih satu jawapan
    Pilih satu jawapan
    Pilih satu jawapan
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